CHOOJIAHUI / OCTOBER 25, 1994 / CBOX / (JIAMING)

History today, Geography yesterday.

I start to get worried all over again because everyone is telling me how Geog sucks and how History rocks. I feel otherwise, honestly. I feel that Geog rocks and History sucks, at the moment. Cause if I do not get a distinction for my Geog test I'd be so disappointed.. and I really want to do well for History so I am just hoping my low grade answers would pull through. I do not want to feel disappointed with my strong subjects. But why do people make it seem wrong to be confident? What is wrong in believing that I'd do better for Math this term? What is wrong with prioritising Geography above History? What is wrong with assuming that I'd improve much more for Literature?

I may be wrong, I may disappoint myself, still. But at least I set expectations for myself, I dont study for the sake of studying. I do want to ace subjects and look at the longterm path like everyone, I do want to be richly educated by the time I graduate. Look, who doesnt? So why cant I decide for myself what subjects I can work towards to? What is wrong with having confidence? Just because you have no faith in yourself, it still isnt right for you to trample on the bubble of others. Or who knows, maybe you might just be a smokescreen. You'd say you never expected it, you'd say you didnt even make an effort, and you'd do so well.. I don't know.

I am just thinking why you even bother. Don't you see? What is the point if you just sit still and tell yourself and everyone else you want to ace the tests? If you never make an effort you'd never achieve anything. Amidst plain studying, what is the point if you don't have a target to work towards to? What or who are you really studying for? If you really dont bother, the least you could do was to try not to restrain others..

***

I feel so drained. My eyes are half closed typing this. Okay closing.. closing.. fully closed. If I continue writing I'd be listing my dreams soon..

Okay (eyes opened) anyway I shouldnt have stayed back today. I should have just stayed home to sleep because it was pretty much a waste of time. Attempted my second paper this week and I just skimmed through the whole stupid thing. I was cramming History on my bed yesterday night because I could not fall asleep so when I got a message I climbed down to check.. was about 2am ++ I felt like a madass. I had been cramming since school ended and the more details I tried to remember the more the necessary information flew out.. Wrong action. And because of that I only had 4hours of precious sleep and I was falling asleep eating breakfast, falling asleep packing my bag, falling asleep making that long journey to class, falling asleep during History test (!!!), falling asleep during Chinese.. WRONG MOVE. I promised myself never to fall alseep during lessons again. Until next year (it isnt very hard to achieve so I must be able to do it!), probably. It is exceptionally hard when listening to a subject I can hardly absorb, but at least I don't make the teacher feel bad..

Kudos to me writing about absolutely.. nothing.
Okay I'd go get some sleep.
Maybe I could pick up the skill of taking evening naps and waking up the next morning.
And sure, I'd wake up tomorrow being extremely dirty from school, extremely guilty for not doing more Math, and extremely screwd for not doing the anecdote!